I was not scared for my surgery in June. In fact, I was excited to have the surgery because it meant relief from the Compartment Syndrome that had plagued my attempts to become a runner for 10 years. It is because I had that surgery that I was able to run that 5k a couple days ago!!!
I haven't been able to play soccer, my first love, for 9 months now. The only reason I am having the surgery is so I can play again. I am just so bummed out that I am having to throw 2 months of hard work in the trash. What if I can't get back on track after the surgery? What if I fall back into my fat trap?
Even though I am still quite overweight, my confidence has jumped leaps and bounds. I take a lot of pride in being able to run 3 miles at my size. When I think someone is looking at me funny, I seriously say to myself, "Screw them, I can run 3 miles!" LOL!!! I love that my legs have tone and I am feeling stronger and stronger as the weeks go by. I don't want to go back to feeling like crap.
Not only am I scared of losing my confidence and motivation, I am terrified of the surgery itself. I am doing it via spinal because the general anesthesia made me SO sick last time. I'd rather give birth than be sick to my stomach. Yes, I hate being nauseous THAT much. I am nervous that I am going to feel the vibration of the drill in my knee. I am nervous about flinching or something and screwing up the surgery. I am scared to be awake for it all.
I think it just goes against my common sense. Why the heck am I having surgery when I can run on it without much pain? I know the reason and it is a very valid reason. It is just all so hard to swallow. I think I would be a heck of a lot less nervous if I was rolling over in pain right now and needed the surgery to make me feel better!
Pathetic, aren't I???
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For kicks, here is a picture of my 245lb self. Please ignore the messy room, and the lovely base housing carpet and doors...LOL! Be jealous of my flip-flop tan lines. Hopefully I will have plenty more pics to compare with it as I continue to lose weight :) I THINK my goal weight is about 170lbs (I am 5'9"). Not sure if I can get that low, but we shall see!!!
6 comments:
You look good on your pic! It would've have been better if you smiled though! LOL
Anyways, you're going to be OK on your surgery. I know you'll come back to running after 2 mos because you are pretty much addicted to it! You'll be in my prayers...
Looking good!! And I'm soooo jealous of the tan lines!!
I enjoy your blog a lot....I was kick boxing to get myself back down from 220 when I tore my ACL...It has been a total hassel, but I am having surgery on Feb. 20th so I will let you know how it goes....I am going for the general because I am terrified of being awake. It is super frusturating though because I just got off of crutches and can walk around and now I am going to be back on my ass again!! So annoying. So hang in there.....I will let you know how it goes!
Your surgery is going to go well...I just know it. You'll be back better than ever.
I'm way jealous of any tan lines this time of year!
Jenn, think positively from here on out. Have faith. You will have a successful surgery, and you will recover fine, and you will get your training back to where it is now, and you will play soccer, and you will make your goal weight! Yes there are bound to be minor setbacks here and there, but in the long term YOU WILL SUCCEED!
Looking good! Congratulations on losing 20 lbs!!!!!
Happy Running!
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