Tonight, we went out to dinner. I had 890 calories left for the day. I KNEW I could come in under it and still eat out. We went to a restaurant and they were remodeling the kitchen. Fine...no fried food. That was actually a good thing. Then, in our order we asked for coffee, chocolate milk for the kids and rice. They didn't have any of it. They already have a small menu, and we decided we didn't want to try and pick something they DID have. We finally just said we are just going to stick with drinks and left without having dinner.
With time now running short, we went to McDonald's. I had a small fry and a McChicken Sandwich minus the mayo. 590 calories. Not the most healthy thing, but coming in under my calories is my #1 priority. I usually eat much more balanced. Meanwhile, my not-overweight husband ordered an extra value meal with an extra sandwich! I wanted to cry. It really hurt my feelings. I know he had barely eaten anything all day, but it really discouraged me. My husband has had issues with smoking. I told him eating like that in front of me was like if I were to smoke in front of him. He didn't intend to upset me. In fact, he is usually very supportive. It was just rough when I was trying so hard to control myself.
I don't know what it is today. I feel so defeated. So low. So embarrassed that I look like this. I felt humiliated walking into McDonald's with my family. I felt as if I didn't deserve to be there. I felt judged, even though hardly anyone was in there.
I have been good all year. All 3 weeks of this year...LOL. I think I feel this way because the past couple days have been hard. I so badly wanted to 'cheat.' I think it's just a little depressing when things get hard and you can't eat the way you want to. It's scary knowing that this is what is in store for me for months to come. I don't want it to be a battle of willpower. At least I have my Friday evenings to help with that.
The thing is, writing this post, I know I don't want to cheat. I am so glad I did not cheat. I think I am also down because I hate feeling this way. I've worked hard the last few weeks, but I don't see any change yet. Judging from past weight loss attempts, I am guessing I have lost around 10-15lbs. I was so tempted to check the scale, but I think it's better feeling like I haven't lost weight yet because then I feel like I have more work to do. A lot more work.
It's hard to not look at the big picture. I believe 170-175 to be my goal weight. I believe I would truly be happy getting under 200. Even 200 is around 50lbs away. I am very confident that I can lose 25lbs by March 31st. I am fairly sure I will lose more than that. A 25lb loss would put me in the 230's. Somewhere I haven't been in about 3 years. I know how incredible that would feel. I have many clothes, tags still on, that are the next size down. To think that I WILL fit in them within the next 2 months is very exciting and motivating. Heck, I have a lot of clothes that I will fit into losing just 10 more pounds!
Well, lots of rambling today. I finished the day out at 1520 calories. Good for me. Despite the tone of this post, I AM VERY MOTIVATED. Even though I wanted to cheat, I wouldn't have. Losing weight is more important to me. The pros far outweigh the cons.
Tuesday - 1mi walk w/ dog
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1 comment:
Keep up the hard work...its not easy and as you know, some days are more of a challenge than others. Don't worry so much about the scale, just be happy in your own skin, and look for lost inches more than lost pounds!
You might have a look sometime at www.formerfatgirlfitnessboard.com ...look beyond the name! LOL Its an online fitness/nutrition program run by 2 navy wives who are trainers and nutritionists. The forums however are free...and have lots of great tips, recipes, support, etc. Its definitely helped me learn healthier habits.
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