Just Ughhh.

So, I am organizing my closet today. I didn't think it would make me feel so bad. I have clothes from when I was 220lbs all the way up to where I am now. A good 65% of what I own is too small or fits too snug for my level of comfort. I am not about showing off my rolls, so I tend to go with the over-sized look. I have a ridiculous amount of men's 2x Adidas shirts. RIDICULOUS AMOUNT!

I have had a very hard time with eating right, since moving from Guam. I think part of it is going from having tons of friends to only have a couple. That leaves me more time to eat. I don't think that I am depressed as much as I am bored. I feel trapped by my weight and the same old routine week after week.

I also feel trapped by my DVR (Digital Video Recorder) and it's limited hard drive space. Pathetic, right? It allows me to watch all the shows I would normally miss because I am too busy or forget it's on. I find myself watching shows I have recorded even though it is not what I really want to be doing at that moment. All the shows I started watching are almost over and I am avoiding any new series.

Soccer ended a couple weeks ago, and I haven't done anything for exercise since. The last two games of the season were severely hampered by a bad case of plantar fasciitis. (So bad I couldn't bear full weight on my foot.) After a couple weeks of taping it, wearing shoes 16hours a day, and Aleve, it has improved to the point that I don't avoid going to Walmart because of the pain.

Last night, I was scanning through some old pictures from when Kaden was a baby. It actually made me sad because I don't remember a ton of it. I was always so tired, depressed, and stressed out because the boys were so young and so close in age. Now that they are older, things are a million times easier with them. However, I find myself not doing things solely because I am fat. I want to go ride bikes with them, ride roller coasters with them, and go to water parks with them. It makes me so sad that my weight is front and center when I think of doing these things with them.

I don't want to waste anymore time. :(

I don't want to waste anymore time, but I always do. I have tried and failed so many times I feel like I am all talk when I say I am going to try again. I don't even believe myself anymore when I say, "This will be the time I win!" I am losing faith in myself and in return I am not losing weight.

---
My new challenge- P90X

I should say OUR new challenge. Eric and I are trying this together. It is a huge commitment which involves 6 days per week workouts. It also has a nutrition plan which is even more important for me to follow. Our goal is to make it through the 90days as scheduled, then modify it after that if we choose to do so.

We start on Sunday! I am SO looking forward to it. I am worried about my foot, but I can't just keep sitting around.

I am so nervous, but only because I always fail. I can't even say that I won't fail this time because that is how much confidence I am lacking. So, no promises.

I do hope to have a decent before/after photo after 90 days. If it is a decent improvement, maybe I will be brave enough to post it here. I will update here as I go through the 90 days.

Wish me luck! I am going to need all the support I can get.